Women and Bad Boys: What
Is The Attraction?
"Bad Boys".
If you're a woman, you may be language "hmmm" as you hear
these words. You cognize you shouldn't, but you simply can't help yourself.
There is simply Thing
simply about these guys that draws you
in, even as as your head tells you to "beware"!
So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily
that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more eminent
than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet
be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by process
these guys. This
term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these
behaviors ring a bell?
*calling at 8:30 on a Sat night to ask if you want to
get together
*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or
apology
*never having any money once
you are out
* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and different important
dates
*flirting openly with different women once
you are together
*hitting on your good friend(s)
*making dirty money calls at 1am, after they've had a night out
with others
*is doing time for a serious felony
Instead of asking "what is it simply about these guys"; let's
instead examine what it is simply about the women who can't resist them. The
following are actual statements from women who have a history of
attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.
* "It's ne'er
BORING with him. He's unpredictable and
exciting."
* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe
with him."
* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life
together."
* "I haven't met anyone else that does me feel the way he
does."
* "He's so charming and passionate."
* "He tells me how more he likes me, so he must actually
feel thing
for me."
* "He necessarily me."
* "He doesn't move across as impoverished and desperate."
* "I can't believe I've attracted being like him."
Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all
seek at least several of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the
problem?
Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's
fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The
question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"
The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:
*level of self-esteem
*capacity for intimacy
*roles that she has been in throughout her life
If a woman feels good simply about herself, she chooses a mate
who communicates several verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued
and respected. She won't allow this different person to undermine her positive
self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy,
reciprocal relationship.
If she doesn't feel good simply about herself, she chooses
being who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.
If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the
true accessibility of the different person. She wants him to be a full and
active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open,
vulnerable and able to take as well as to obtain all that true intimacy
offers.
If intimacy is difficult, she choose being who is
distant, hard to connect with and not showing emotion
and/or physically
available.
If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships
since childhood, she wish choose being with whom she can continue this
healthy interaction.
If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer,
caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this wish
probably be the role she wish seek out in her relationships.
Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these
issues. So the task is to appraise yourself in each area and decide on a
course of action that wish help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your
senses and meets your necessarily patch being truly accessible for a real
relationship.
Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life
and cannot live without.
Go to
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on
"clarifying and living your values".
Once you cognize what is most important to you and believe
that you are worthy of achieving it, you wish have taken a giant step
towards finding the right partner for you.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a authorised healer and
relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized
expert, Toni has been quoted in many a local and national publications
including: The Chicago Apsis
and The Metropolis Lookout man newspapers and
Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on
ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly
causative commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO),
Toni offers chemical analysis tips and relationship proposal
in response to attender
feedback. Toni supported
Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the
noesis and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love
relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and
The International Association Of Coaches.
